Breaking a Habit

More than two months ago I was re-introduced to playing volleyball again- a sport I used to love and thought I had lost.  To be honest, I was hesitant to play it once more. I have been dodging the invitation multiple times until I finally caved in- of course with the help of a friend.  I doubted myself if I am still in it.  It’s been two decades since I last play.  I doubted that I may not be able to keep up with the rest as they play competitively (so I thought 😉). I simply doubted. 

As we grow old we all get caught up with our lives.  We become comfortable and reluctant to try something new- or revisit the old habits we like some time ago. For some reason unknown, I felt I have been in this kind of spell- I felt that the last few years I have been wrapped by the comfortable routines I have.  I see that there is nothing wrong with that- and for some, routines become their own adventures or challenges. But they shouldn’t be. 

Sunrise at Daytona Beach Volleyball court. 01.15.2020

Yesterday morning around 5AM a colleague and I were chatting online about the toll of the pandemic has taken in both our lives. He mentioned that he was stressed, tired, and joked about how he wished he had gotten to a different field.  I expressed the same sentiments.  We cut the conversation shortly after as we both were getting ready to work- my day 2 for the weekend. Around 7AM at the hospital, there was a code yellow (code for lock down) called overhead. The same colleague I was talking with earlier messaged me that a dead body was found at the parking lot near the emergency room- a man shot himself.  

Mental health is a serious issue.  In this time of uncertainties, it is important that we have an outlet to break a routinary habit. Working in a very stressful environment or sometimes just being at home full time can eventually catch on us mentally, physically and emotionally.  On days I am off from work, I now included volleyball (aside from photography, reading and cooking) a must activity for myself to break my usual daily patterns of home and work. Walk the dogs, read a book, ride a bike, learn another instrument or tool, meet new people, and try new other things just to break the repetitive motion of our lives. 

Lastly, don’t forget to check your spouses and significant others too.  Thankful for my husband (specially last night for asking if I am OK), family and friends that constantly checking on me.  Your thoughtfulness are never gone unnoticed. 

Saltwater Heals Everything

Last Monday I went out for my first shoot of 2021.  I was hoping to immerse atleast my feet to the ravishing waves, to have my 2020 misfortunes be washed away; but instead, I was greeted by the calm and gentle waters that occasionally clash the stilts.  For a moment, I feel that this is what I desire for the new year.  So much emotions (ranging from loneliness, uncertainties, and emptiness) that were piled up in 2020 that even when I tried hard to mask them with positivity, they affect me when the night falls. 

Flagler Beach Pier. Sunrise. 01.04.2021

 About a week ago, I have two different patients that definitely shook all emotions I have been carrying on. I have been sweeping them off under the rug recently as I do not have the time to reflect, and think objectively to resolve them because I am tied up of the holidays. Work had consumed myself as well that I feel like I am in a contained room gasping for air to breathe. And as it happened before, I can only hold so much. 

On Tuesday after Christmas, I was taking care of RM216B. The report I got was that he was a handful, unruly, and non-compliant patient.  A kind of patient that challenges me. He had given me the cold treatment when I introduced myself- not my first though.  Throughout the day, I realized his frustrations- he was diagnosed as deemed incompetent to make medical decisions for himself just because he yelled and cursed all the other staff the previous day when his only wish was to be home.  He cried; and I sat down next to him.  That moment I felt the sincerity in his voice as he uttered, “It’s hard to live when you lost all your family and you are alone.” I found myself sobbing while I comforted him. We didn’t speak a word for a moment, but the presence of each other was enough to give the much-needed support. He apologized after and I said that he didn’t have to.  I left his room- frustrated of his situation, and searching answers for my own. 

The next day, I took care of an 87 years old lady in RM218A who also told me she wanted to go home- after she suffered of stroke-like symptoms.  With limited knowledge of what her discharge plans, I didn’t say any concrete answers but the generic, “I’ll see what I can do.” I learned immediately that the reason was, she had a dying (from Covid) son and all she wanted was with her comforting family. By lunch time, I received a phone call from one of my patient’s children and told me that he passed away. After I say my condolences, she asked if I could help her break the news as she is coming in to see how her mother’s doing but still couldn’t figure out how to tell her of the tragic event. When she arrived, all three of us sat together at bedside and I told her the sad news. In my mind and in my heart, I can’t imagine the devastation my patient felt.  No parent should ever have to outlive their child. As she started weeping, my tears dropped as well.  I stayed briefly and decided to give the mother and daughter their privacy to grieve and talk personally. I walked in to the rest room and gave myself a good cry. I let my tears wash some of my sentiments for a bit. 

Plato once said saltwater cures all ailments of man; I find its true when my anxiety and loneliness strike. The ocean has always been my go-to place When I feel hollow and searching for answers. The waves, seabirds and the sun are the elements I wanted to be surrounded with. Same thing with crying. Shedding some tears makes me feel better. They replace my energy drawn by the kind of work, people, and relationships I deal with. Both brings comfort and calmness to my inner self- then my day starts to brighten up again.

KEEPING THE FAITH

While having lunch at work the other day, a colleague asked me if I ever pray… and if I know how to pray. The manner she asked the question, irked me but answered her respectably nonetheless.  For me, religion and faith are two different things that often times are intertwined when being used. 

 Yes, I know how to pray. I grew up in the Philippines; the only catholic country in southeast Asia which about 80% of its population practice Catholicism. Religion has been instilled in me at early age- my mother was a devout Roman Catholic and my father is a Protestant. I have Religion as a subject matter and as part of my school curriculum both during grade school and high school.  I recited million times the rosary, and many other prayers of the saints. I tended the mass at churches in every part of the world I have lived. I guess that validates that I know how to pray. 

Statue of Father Pedro Camps at Cathedral Basilica of Saint Augustine in St. Augustine, Florida

 Religion is not something I sit down and debate with.  If you look at history, religion had caused many wars and misunderstandings to mankind and still not settled to this day. So, I stay away from arguing with people whose sole purpose is to argue- and put religion on the table to be the subject matter. I do not try and throw my beliefs at others.  I never believe that one religious sect is better than the other. I have tremendous respect for all faiths and beliefs, but have a deep concern that religion and faith are currently along way apart from each other.

As I grow older (and I’d like to think wiser) my faith has evolved.  It is very private to me, it plays an important role in my life. It has gone deeper. While I am thankful that religion has played a significant part molding my spirituality, I stayed out of its superficiality and repetitious practices that overtime become meaningless.

 Life has tested me in so many ways.  I have been in the lowest of my life, and from time to time I experience darkness- or myself drowning in troubled waters.  But it is my belief to something omnipresent that keeps me out of danger.  It is when I keep the faith that better things happen and make sense. I have to have it- we all have to have it. 

Resilience

 The series of grief that has come along the past ten days has been very challenging to me.  On September 3 I was shocked by the news that a dear friend whom I worked in Connecticut (who moved and lived the last couple of years in California) passed away with Covid. This really hit me as this man, who’s age was his only qualification to be a high risk, had no comorbidities.  He wasn’t just fortunate to make it; and such he passed.  My mother has been gone for nine years on September 6. Not a single day I have not thought of her and missed her. Five days ago, I received a text message from one of my closest friends (that moved from MA to FL this year), that his father died. Worse, because of the international travel restrictions due to Corona, he will not be able to go back to the Philippines to pay his final respect. I felt his pain, I have the same predicament when my Mom passed.  I have expressed my sympathy and advised him on what to do so he had some closure. On Wednesday, one of my closest colleagues at work bid goodbye. I saw (and she knew) it coming and it’s only a matter of time, but still that caught me by surprise and felt sorry. 

 I always consider myself as a strong person.  I feel like I handle myself well in crises like these.  Though these affected me tremendously, I continue to carry on.  I tried to. Then all the emotions that I thought I have contained- burst on Thursday.  Something had triggered it and I had a breakdown. I cried out. For some moment I lost it.  My husband hugged me and comforted me as I cried on his chest.  He is my greatest pacifier indeed. Then I feel better again. How long can one endure pains and heartaches before he finally breaks down? I don’t know the exact answer, but I know I am resilient. 

 I decided at that point that I have to do something I am best at so I grabbed my bag and camera and found myself driving to St Augustine. My camera is my sanctuary.  Taking pictures brings me soothing feeling and calms my mind. I did this for almost four hours and drove back and greeted by my husband and dogs as I joined them in the living room. We held hands. The aches didn’t go away totally but somehow I felt relieved.  

Lion’s Bridge. Saint Augustine, FL. 09.10.2020

 “And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.  You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over; but one thing is certain: When you come out of the storm, you are not the same person who walked in.  That’s this storm’s all about.” – Haruki Murakami

Go To The Limits Of Your Longing

I was watching the film Jojo Rabbit the other night and at the ending, there was that quote which somehow struck me:  

“Let everything happen to you: Beauty and Terror. 

Just keep going; no feeling is final.” 

 This was an excerpt from the poem, Go To The Limits of Your Longing originally written by an Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke during the time of war. It is an inspiring and comforting quote, (so as the entirety of the poem) I thought it was timely both personally and collectively as we are all experiencing different battles. 

 My friend Joe and I were talking about feelings the other day. I mentioned, “sometimes I wish…” and he stopped me talking and told me, “Jun, don’t wish. it will hurt you when you wish.”  As I heard many times the saying “wishing only wounds the heart”, I didn’t understand what exactly Joe meant during our conversation until I was walking to my car that I started reflecting about past experiences.  While most of what I am today are based on dreams, hopes and wishes, there were many times that these also caused me disappointments and heartaches when the outcomes didn’t meet the expectations. While what Joe said was most likely true, isn’t it good (or bad) that sometimes we experience these kinds of feelings? Something I learn early in life is to wallow with my feelings-good or bad. And while absorbing each and every experience, I remember each lessons these experiences brought my life and carry on. This is why the quote made an impact on me because I let everything happen to me. 

 It’s now running to six months since we all first dealt with our new normal with the Covid-19 Pandemic. Hearing the news every day, the virus remains winning with no end in sight as of yet. My feelings about Covid has evolved. This is our war-a different kind.  We face it every day- as a nurse and as an ordinary man- fighting to go back and live the normal life as we used to.  We haven’t found the cure yet, and the horizon may seems to be far at this point; but it isn’t over ‘til it’s over. 

 I searched for the entirety of the poem and pondered upon it before I went to bed that night. The poem basically speaks about the poet’s faith- relying on a higher being while at the same time experiencing life in all its forms- the war in particular during his period. Suitable in this time of our own fights- personally and generally speaking.  

Note to the Reader: The title is not my original, but its from poet’s original poem- Go to the Limits of Your Longing.

Photography has been my safe haven when my mind is troubled… brings me into the right perspective back again. taken during sunrise at Saint Augustine Beach Pier.

Photo Credit: RLabiste

Savannah 2.0

Had you ever felt the sudden urge to escape? That out of the blue, some melancholia struck you and just want to be away and be out of your normal comfort zone?

The past few days I have been experiencing some dysphoria. I don’t exactly know what triggered it (perhaps brought by four month long confinement due to the same Covid-19 situation we have since February and still could not adjust to the new normal), but I felt the need to break away from the new routines for a little bit so I found myself in a quick trip to Savannah.  It is a place I have never been.  Though it was refreshing, the many thoughts of uncertainties came with me on this trip. 

 There are two things that hit me this past week that may have caused me to recharge elsewhere. Both I have no control of, but I fear they will affect me. The first is this continuous pandemic battle; with everyday numbers on the rise- reported cases broken day after day, brought me to a panic mode. I do take this disease seriously. A family member, some friends I know, and colleagues I work with everyday have been inflicted, and I know it’s only a matter of time before it will come to me. The second, perhaps is a minor and selfish one- I have a colleague whom I become close friend with that may quit anytime soon and would work elsewhere. I know her reason and that’s hers to keep, but just the thought of not seeing nor working with her on a schedule- hit me the most. I don’t do well with parting, and that realization made me feel sad and lonely.  

 Recently I took care of a quadriplegic patient for two days. We made a connection as we shared a common ground.  He is originally from Hyannis, MA.  Coincidentally, it is the town we last lived in before heading to Florida. In one of our many conversations, he expressed how much he missed it, and sad that he may no longer be able to go back and see the place because of his health conditions.  I told him how lucky he was as I am a nurse and a landscape photographer on the side and have so many pictures of the town we both know and I am happy to share them to him from my phone. His expression when I told him this, was enough to make my day. That week when I came back to work from a day off, I learned that he was transferred to a Covid unit. Sad- I still think and wish him well.

 These why I ended up in Savannah. A place I know only from the fictional books I read in the past. I quickly walk around admiring and taking in its charm; the River Street with old cobble stones pavement, the canopy trees that cover the streets, historic houses and landmarks. So much to absorb and I felt that the process was cathartic.  It doesn’t take all the loneliness away, but gave me different perspectives on all the situations I was going through. That is how I would like to leave this quaint place too.

Savannah at night. Image of River Street from across Savannah River from Westin Savannah Golf and Resort Spa. Taken at 10PM after a heavy rain. Peaceful and tranquil… Just so much to admire.

Love is Love

Love is Love. 

Today marks my 7th wedding anniversary to my husband Bob.  As I wake up and reminisce, it seems like it was only yesterday.  June 15, 2013 at eleven in the morning to be exact, we tied the knot at the beautiful Harding Allen Estate in Massachusetts.  

I could say that our story was not a walk in the park as we have faced many challenges along the way. The long distance, the language barrier, the difference in cultural backgrounds to name a few. But being gay and being part of the LGBTQ community perhaps was the biggest hurdle we had.  Our family and friends know the ordeal of our story; on how difficult the pursuit of happiness in the land of the free as a gay person. 

To some that barely know us, Bob and I met sixteen years ago when marriage equality was still a discussion in this country. At that time, being in love is not enough for us to get married. Because of the then Defense of Marriage Act Law (which defined as marriage only between man and woman), we can’t just walk down the aisle and live under one roof like any man and woman that share the same love.  Instead, ours was threatened to come to an end because of what the law said and not what our hearts dictate. Not being born from the US soil made it more difficult in my end so we kept our relationship on the down low. With faith and love, our patience came into fruition when the stars aligned together for us in 2013- the year that the US Supreme Court granted same sex the equal rights to marriage. Surrounded by family and great friends, we said, “I do.”  

That was seven years ago.  Looking back at the picture as a whole, our marriage will not be possible if not for the collective efforts initiated by Human Rights and Marriage Equality fighting for what is lawfully right to every citizen of this country. Marriage equality for everyone regardless of sex, gender and ethnic origin.   But mostly, we may never made it if one of us gave less effort or had given up fighting  to make our hopes and dreams become reality. In the end, love always wins. 

Happy Anniversary to my husband and Happy Pride Month to our LGBTQ family!!!❤️🌈❤️🌈

Sunset at Old Pier at the River Walk. Sanford, FL. 06-08-2020

This long exposure photo taken after a heavy rain depicts tranquility and calmness of the water after the storm. Similar to what we’ve been through in the last sixteen years as a gay couple. I would like to think that the old pier was like our relationship that is able to weather al the elements that came through. The sunset is the beautiful reward after the storm.

MY DOUBLE FOUR DAY

It is my birthday.  And while the world remains in a health alarm with Covid-19 pandemic, I try to cautiously free myself of worries…at least for today, cause it’s my special day 😀.

 One of my fondest memories when I was little is how simple my birthday was celebrated. In early morning, my mom would wake and dress me up in a decent shirt and jeans then bring me to the church to give thanks for another well life lived and will be off to the market and I would enjoy my favorite menu from the “Turo-Turo” (food stalls located anywhere including wet and dry markets in the Philippines were you can select pre-made dishes). I never had those big lavish birthday celebrations with confetti and balloons attended by many children and adults with matching gifts. In the corner of the Turo-Turo was where I get to enjoy myself eating my favorite Palabok (a relative of Pancit/Noodle for my non-Filipino friends and readers) while she ran her motherly chores ‘til she comes back to pick me up and go back home. As I get older, the celebrations become mainstream- but the former was still the best 😀.

 My birthday coincides with Labor Day- a non-working holiday in the Philippines so that was an extra treat. When I moved in the US, Labor Day isn’t until the first Monday of September and so my special day becomes ordinary. Most of my birthdays, as long as I live here, falls on the days I am scheduled to work.  Working on my birthday gives me extra perks because I get to have a free birthday cake that my colleagues usually bring, and endless greetings from all the patients I take care of.  I wonder how they knew 😀.

 Bob and I have been good in celebrating our birthdays together.  The past years were carefully planned travel destinations topped with fancy restaurant dinners. None of those today. The unresolved pandemic remains a threat and with all the restaurants being closed, I put together what I collectively learn from my culinary classes and experience to create a special meal; tonight I will take it easy 😀.

 I cannot recall the last I asked for any expensive gifts, and some people look forward to opening generous presents on their special day; but I don’t.  Perhaps with limited means growing up, I don’t really ask for much. I take wishes of good health instead- which to me is always important 😀.  

 For many, having to add another year on their lives is worrisome- age stresses them out. I see it the other way around.  I have been constantly rediscovering myself and it always begin on my birthday. I am humbled to have so many milestones in the last fifteen years and it always feel like it only happened yesterday; sort of like time is irrelevant 😀.  

 Happy Birthday to me!!!🎂

 “There is a fountain of youth: It is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of the people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.” -Sophia Loren 

Fontain des Mers. Paris, May 2018.

I learn from somewhere that if you toss a coin to a fountain, it will bring you good health and fortune.

My Thoughts and Covid-19

It was early in December when I first learned about Corona virus.  I first seen and heard it from the television when it first broke the news some seven thousand miles away, in Wuhan China. It didn’t bother me at that time as there was little information about it. And just like other medical practitioners that are immune to hearing news about other illnesses, I also shrugged the news off. Fast forward to three months, the virus was officially a pandemic and has affected the world and our country- our state is not an exception. As I write this blog, CNN reports that there are 5,473 reported cases in Florida 65 are in the Volusia county and sadly there were 70 unfortunate people who didn’t make it to recovery. 

 The pandemic easily altered our daily habits. What usually calm and relaxing mornings in my household are now replaced of television broadcast of cringing accounts about COVID-19.  The reports of exponential growth in numbers of the people that fall ill daily makes me anxious.  The past weeks are just nothing but information of uncertainties and panic.  People hoard. And at work every day, the standards of practice change because the CDC guidelines rapidly change as well.  It’s like a war scene where everyone is in a survival mode. 

 Nearly two weeks ago Bob and I decided to push through with our planned trip to Cancun despite the travel advise to cancel non-essential travels placed around the globe. I easily feel guilty for something I deliberately done. And not to sound like I am trying to justify our decision to go on the trip, we actually tried every effort to cancel our flight.  It was just that the circumstances we met along the way were not favorable for us and so we bit the bullet. 

 On usual pleasure trips like this our goal is to see places we’ve never been or go back to the ones we liked from previous trip.  This time that wasn’t the case.  With a bit of guilt from traveling despite of the ban, and the paranoia of contracting Covid-19, we decided to just stay in our resort and enjoy the R&R moment we planned.  Not totally detaching to reality, Bob and I took this opportunity to ponder among things we are both grateful for.  One night after dinner we walked the shore and just listened to the sound of roaring waves.  Because of the breeze he decided to go back to our room but I stayed and strode the beach in solitude and contemplated. I can’t believe how fast the world has changed in just few months. 

 As we came back from the trip we are faced with new norms.  Bob is working at home which length is still to be determined.  I am back with my regular schedule in the hospital with continuing twists on standards of practice. The most that struck me though is the “social distancing” and must admit, it is challenging for most to adapt. It is sad. We all don’t know when this going to end, the uncertainties make most of us scared and fearful. But two things we should constantly hold- faith and hope. Once, I came across a quote from a health educator Brandon A. Trean, “It is how we embrace the uncertainty in our lives that leads to the great transformations of our souls.” 

This image I took while at a recent trip in Cancun is my own photographic representation of Social Distancing. While all the elements are far from each other, still you can admire their beauties. And though the current mood is dark, the unspoken understanding that on the horizon, there is light.

Night Photography. Cancun, Mexico March 18, 2020.

To New Beginnings

To New Beginnings…

 During new year, I often look back to reflect upon the blessings and the good things that happened to myself and my family. I also reflect upon the not so good things- and think about the lessons I learned from those experiences.  Combining them together is always a win-win situation. I take them to the next chapter of my life’s story and hope to use them when similar situations take place. 

 Two weeks ago, I took care of a 57-year old gentleman who was primarily diagnosed with Prostate Abscess with TURP (Transurethral Resection of the Prostate) procedure done. I didn’t have an immediate connection with him- I was his third nurse. And getting reports from previous nurses, sometimes give you preconceived ideas about the person, so I distanced myself.  The second day while giving medications he asked me where I was originally from so I told him that I was from the Philippines.  That was our connection.  As we conversed, he mentioned that he had a girlfriend that was from the Philippines but broke up with him after being together for eight years. He started opening up and told me that all his medical conditions started coming out since his break up and he just went downward spiral since then.  That moment I know that this patient is not just struggling with his current medical condition but is also suffering from depression.  So we talked and give him unsolicited encouragement like any nurse does. The next two days I noticed the change in his outlook.  He was not as grouchy as the previous days. When his family came, I updated them.  They validated that my patient has been sad since his relationship went south. I extended them my words of encouragement as well. I have him for another two days after my day off and continued connecting. I sensed that he trusted the way I took care of him so I didn’t get the attitude I got from the reports of my fellow nurses. The day after Christmas, I came back to work from being off during the holidays. I was surprised that he was still admitted- but he wasn’t in my assignment; and glad to know that he is being discharged later that day.  I made sure that I saw him before he went home and gave him my last piece of advice- to look forward and anticipate the greater things; with positive outlooks come positive outcomes.  He shook my hand and thanked me. His mother and step father thanked me as well. I volunteered to wheel him down the lobby where his ride was waiting so I could continue giving him pieces of advice until he got into his family’s car. As I walk back to my unit, I have this sense of pride because I knew somehow I made an impact and a fresh new start is ahead of this patient that I just sent home. 

 About the same time two weeks ago Bob and I also completed another milestone as we closed and bought our home here in Florida.  It took 10 months since all these started.  Around February of 2019 when we first contemplated of moving to somewhere warmer; took two weeks laying out the plan- then we called our realtor to start the process of listing our Cape Cod home for the Spring market.  Not long after that, we received an offer and started packing. In June, before the start of summer, we began our journey. We temporarily rented a house while our home is being built. Six months later,  we opened the front door of our Florida home.  Finally, we are officially Florida residents. This is our new beginning.

 Have a blessed New Year Everyone!!! 

Sunrise at Light House State Park Beach, Ponce Inlet, FL January 02, 2020

Beacon of Hope

I never really paid attention to my assignments when I work as I believe that any patient that comes and admitted to the hospital needs necessary medical care. But the past few weeks, I noticed that they always include young, thirty to forty something year old patient that share one commonality- substance abuse. I have them in the past too, but I never have that precise account in the seriousness of their problems until I have this patient in my assignment three days ago.

 For a brief background, she’s thirty-eight years old, mother of two. She is also homeless and did not relate her working status; but I assume she’s jobless too based on how she narrated her typical day. The first day I have her as a patient she was mostly asleep; only opens her eyes when she’s due for her supplemental medications. The second day she was more awake; able to converse and her symptoms are more evident-she was withdrawing. While on rounds with one of our doctors, I was dumbfounded by the information she narrated to us. She is a long time Heroin user and shoots three to six times a day. The day she brought herself to the emergency department, she dosed herself three times.  I was speechless the entire time she unfolded her story. When the doctor told her his plan of action and left the room, I stayed.  She was crying and uttering to herself that she needs to stop this, but doesn’t know how. I remained quiet and patted her shoulder.  When I have no appropriate advice to give, I keep my silence; and sometimes silence is just the best piece of advice. I was a bit overwhelmed when I walked out of the room and can only imagine what she’s going through; the hardship and the life struggles she is on. 

 I grew up in another country- a third world country.  My life struggle was quite different from my patient’s. Mine was a basic life struggle. But I have my beacon of hope.  Seeing and experiencing poverty first hand aspired me to become better as I grow up.  I remember as a kid, I used to answer, “I wanted to be a doctor” when asked of the question, “What I would like to become when I grow up?”  But as I get older, that became a distant reality. But I never gave up on my dreams. Nursing is the closest I become to a doctor.  I heal people too, only in a different way, and I am proud of it.  

 When I went back to my patient’s room, she was calmer. I also caught her staring at the window.  This was my cue to share my story and my life struggles.  I told her that we all have crosses of different weights to carry and our life experiences maybe different but one thing she should look is the promise of hope that it can change for the better. I suggested to search for her inner self… her younger self that is full of hopes and dreams.

 On my final round before the change of shift, she thanked me. I am not sure how determine she wants to change her life when she gets discharge and that is her own call. But I felt the sincerity in her. And until someone thanked you from the bottom of her heart, you’ll never know how much you touched her life.

What Are You Grateful For?

 The past two months this question, “What are you grateful for?” has become part of my daily mantra as a nurse and as a person. Not that I am not grateful of all the good things that life has brought and continuously bringing onto me- but this time I begin to live more with the consciousness of asking myself at the end of the day and before I sleep- of things, events, and people that I am thankful for. 

 Reading my previous blogs you would learn that our family moved from Massachusetts to Florida; that I started a new job; and if you read more from the archives, I have expressed that sometimes I have the second thought of changing my career. For those who don’t know, nursing is a stressful job and every now and then, the least rewarded too.  With little appreciation, sometimes that breaks someone’s spirit.  When I came on board with my new job, I thought it will be no different from the past I had. One thing that makes it distinct from my previous place of work, is the huddle. For those who’s unfamiliar and for short definition, huddle is what nurses do before/after a shift starts/ends.  We talk about highlights of the shift. With my experience in the past, what I mostly hear during huddle were things nurses fell short. In some but not most occasions there are simple praises. What happens during huddle sets the tone of what a nurse’s day will likely be.  This is the part that I struggle with sometimes. 

 Five weeks of orientation to a new job made me realized the unique experience of a huddle. It starts with the two questions: “Who are you grateful for?” and “Who connected with a patient?”  The first question pertains to someone that made an impact on your day- a fellow nurse, an aide, a therapist or anybody that made your shift a lot easier. The second question is about who made a good relationship with a patient- someone that you learned more about in the 12hr shift. Between the two, the former made the most impact for me personally and as a nurse for the reason that it is a different experience from what I have in the past. That simple question is encouraging and leads to a positive feeling to start a day.  Even though that my name is not called, it is equally impactful to know that someone felt appreciated from lending another hand to a colleague.  It is a rewarding feeling.  Little did I know, I look forward to huddle. 😉

 The same question I ask myself when I wake up. On a personal level, there are so much I am grateful for. I feel blessed that I have a partner and two dogs that make up my family.  They are my rocks and pillars that make me great. I am thankful to have a rewarding job with fantastic and wonderful colleagues that help me continuously grow as a nurse. I am happy that I have dependable and encouraging friends that serve as my support group in every endeavor I embark. And lastly, I am mostly grateful that we are blessed with a beautiful planet. With my evolving passion with photography, I am able to capture its natural wonders. 

TIDES AND UNDERTOWS

About a month ago I started my orientation working as an acute nurse again.  The first week was spent on learning the basic corporate policies; nothing different from the previous work places I have been. But like anybody who is starting a job, anxiety sets in easily as I commenced my training the following week at the unit/floor I am assigned to.  I guess it’s the combination of not knowing the computer program my new work place has (as its different from the ones I used in the past) and the challenge of knowing new people are the things that were making me anxious. Fair justifications I suppose. As days of orientation proceed, I started to get the hang of it and become more comfortable. 

Among the many aspects of nursing, the time I spent with computer documenting is my least favorite. Although I can understand that this part is as essential, I feel that documentations take away the most important part of patient care- being with the patient and helping them heal. But then you learn to juggle in between these. And this part sometimes is the one that gives me second thoughts of leaving my chosen career.  But as I have these thoughts of quitting, good things happen.  

On my third week of orientation, I was given an assignment with a challenging patient. I will call her RM214 as this was her room number. RM214 has severe wound on her genitalia extending to her peri-anal area. She is heavily loaded of high dose pain medications and is non-compliant with wound care. Some nurses already expressed frustrations of having her in their assignments. With such preconceived thoughts, my initial reaction was that I just have to make it through my three-day weekend shifts and I will be all set.  

So, I met her during hand off and exchanged the usual pleasantries. I can’t imagine how she acquired such significant injury at such a young age; her medical history tells me, but I still can’t fathom how. She seemed depressed and withdrawn.  She expressed that she had given up and didn’t care about what I would do with her wound anymore while crying. She wanted to leave and go against medical advise.  Without being judgmental, I could say she is a mess, but at the same time she seems lost.

I pride myself being a nurse. I know that one of the many traits I have is I always try to know my patients beyond just their names.  I reach out and talk to them.   This is what I did with RM214. During our initial conversation I learned that she has a husband and three young kids. I also found out that she likes being asked and be actively involved in things.  These were my hints. I held her accountable and not just a passive participant of her care.  I gave her choices. By the end of my 12-hour shift (and the entire three days), RM214 and I developed a good rapport.  She let me removed her wound dressing and have her participate in doing it. I let her wear gloves and hold some wound supplies.  We chatted about life while I changed the dressing.   In such little way, I let her be in control of her life.  I gave her some authority which I think may have been temporarily lost that caused her to be depressed and withdrawn. She thanked and hugged me when I discharged her on the third day.

The day after that long weekend at work I went to the beach to wash away my stress and regain some strength.  I played with the waves and enjoyed them on my feet- some of them were strong, some were gentle. The tides and undertows reminded me of what a weekend I just had. Nursing can be rewarding and rough sometimes that you feel like just giving up. But when you think you are not being significant, unexpected things like what I just experience take place.  In the end, it is hard to leave such a noble profession when you know you touch lives and make some difference- big or small.   

Have You Ever Wish Upon a Star?

When I was little there was a common belief among my circle of friends that wishes come true if you wish upon a star… a shooting star in particular. I kind of held on to that belief until maybe high school- when I learned that dreams come true if you work hard for them. But, from time to time, even at this age, I can’t help but wish anyway. There’s part of me which still thinks that, that childhood idea is real. 

My father’s house in the province.

 We grew up with limited resources. One escape from reality that I remember doing when I was young was to climb up our roof through a make shift wooden stairs my big brother made. At dusks and sometimes early evenings, I would stare at the sky watching the sun set while laying on my back on a rifted roof made of galvanized iron sheets. For a while I would wait for the stars. Then I’d speak to them and tell them what I would want to be when I grow up.  Sometimes I have lists- I couldn’t remember exactly what I wrote, but I knew they were simple wishes to better the lives of our family. 

 Fast forward to many years, my family and my situation now is far more different from what we were when younger. I am not sure if I can totally say that I am successful with my chosen career (as I still feel like I’m lost believe me!). For others that is what it may seem.  I am thankful for that perception; it keeps me on the ground and continue what I suppose to do.  But I credit this to my own motivation and hard work along with that thought of “your stars were perfectly aligned.”   

 In my recent trip to the Philippines I have the luxury of spending some time at my father’s hometown. While contemplating, I get to appreciate more our provincial home where we spent every summer as a young kid. Though it is distinctive from the house I grew up in the city, yet there are familiar resemblances to it.  I can see handprints of my family everywhere that were no different from the house we lived in the metro.  One particular structure that caught me was the basketball hoop my brother made for himself, his son and for my nephews. That brought smile on my face as the sight of it brings memory of my childhood. That night, I set up my camera underneath the hoop and waited for the night sky and shoot for my stars. Once again, I was a child wishing upon the stars… 

our make shift hut, now a parking place for the cars.

Our First 10 Days in Florida

We have been in Florida for 10 days now and we are settling into our rental in Deltona.  In some ways, it’s been like a dream as so many tasks and events fell into place nicely. We would like to thank everyone for all of your support and well wishes.  Here’s a brief update of our first 10 days:

Shenandoah Valley, VA

Our 4-day, 1,501-mile adventure went pretty much according to plan with just a few unannounced side trips from missed turns. The girls (Nikki and McCay) were great during the long days of riding and stopping at totally unfamiliar rest areas and sleep overs.  Nikki spent most of the time positioned over the back-seat air conditioner while McCay lay in the back.  A big shout-out goes to David and Tofu for hosting us in Connecticut on Friday night, and to Ann, Michael and Moxie for hosting us in South Carolina on Sunday night. In-between, we took a side trip through the Shenandoah Valley (a must see!) with its Skyline Road where scenic vistas abounded everywhere.  We stayed in a cabin on the Skyline at dog-friendly Big Meadows Lodge with a beautiful sunset and an outstanding restaurant.  

Florida Welcome Center

 On Monday, Florida greeted us with above average heat (mid-90’s) and the traditional afternoon thunderstorms. Ronald and Fian warmly greeted us and Ryan, our friend from Albuquerque, NM, with his dog Miquel relocated as well the same day.  This past weekend, our friend Ronald and I flew back to Connecticut, stayed at David’s and Tofu’s, and then drove my car Le Mans style in less than 20 hours down to Florida!  

Our rental is a spacious 4-bedroom house with a large fenced-in yard.  After a few nights sleeping on the air mattress, our PODS container arrived last Saturday. Thankfully unpacking was much easier and quicker than packing!  According to Bob, I have been great unpacking and turning the vacant house into an inviting temporary home as we wait for our new home to be built in Deland.

Please feel free to come on down and enjoy the warmth and sunshine.  We would love to host you for a few days or weeks!

Jun, Bob Nikki and McCay

ENDINGS ARE NEW BEGINNINGS

The last few weeks I was consumed of basically putting away and packing our belongings after our house became under contract.  My entire focus temporarily shifted that I forgot to take a sit and reflect on the things that are going on with our lives.  Now that the packing and loading are almost over, I get to take a break and breathe some air.  

 I was walking the dogs this morning when suddenly the thought of leaving finally hit me. The end is almost near. Almost four years of living at the Cape- I couldn’t help but feeling nostalgic. But ending is also a time to look forward. The memories Bob and I and our dogs created in the last years living here are another great picture I could hang on the walls of beautiful experiences we have. 

 With my tight and busy schedule trying to accomplish a deadline, I took a five-day off from work and it was only yesterday I returned.  At the start of the shift I asked my colleague the usual routine questions, “Who’s in the hospital? Who’s out? Etc.”  Then I learned that my 97 year old Lithuanian resident died peacefully last Friday while at rehabilitation coping from pneumonia she caught about a month ago.  While this event is foreseeable, I was still surprised that she is now gone. I remember when she first moved to memory care unit, she was confused, agitated and yelling constantly that she wanted to go home. Redirecting did very little but somehow, she got that this place is her new home.  Many nights I caught her in her solace and sometimes I talk to her. One conversation I had with her she said this is her final stop.   I knew what she spoke was about so I offered my hand and held hers tight.  As I got to know her, she has shared me so many fascinating stories of her life- one that I really liked about was her story of how her (and some) family survived the war in Europe.   I could feel the pain engraved in her memories and at the same time admired her exceptional strength surviving such sufferings.  I have a story of my great grandfather fighting the Japanese during the war as well, so we have a common ground. One night, when I was done giving care to all the residents, she sat next to me and told me in her strong Lithuanian accent, “you’re a good man…” followed by a pause.  I told her that she is brave and strong. Part of me felt sad when I learned that she passed.  Also, now I know what she meant by “I want to go home.” May she rest in peace.  

 In two weeks, we will be commemorating the first-year death anniversary of my best friend. Ironic that one year after her death, also marks our official Deland, Florida residence- the town she used to live. It took us one year to figure out that this is where it meant for us to go and be close to her family- and now also our family.  Similarly, I am about to start working in the hospital that has been so kind, helpful and compassionate to her while she courageously fought the big C. Though it didn’t turn out the way we all wanted, I am sure she’s smiling above for this decision both My partner and I made.  She is our guardian angel and she let everything fall into places.  

 Few nights ago, I explored the Sagamore Bridge once again for a night photo session.  I was there along with just the sound of the passing automobiles and the few early birds fishing. This is one of the two bridges that connects the Cape to the main land and I take this more often when I go on and off the Cape.  While this bridge is symbolic to many vacation goers that rest and relaxation has officially started once they crossed it, for us- by next week as we get off, it will be the beginning of another very exciting journey!

Sagamore Bridge, Cape Cod, Massachusetts shot on 06.03.2019 at 3.30AM

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL

Around January, my partner and I planned to visit some National Parks in New Mexico and parts of Arizona and Colorado.  In the past couple of years, we have been making big trips during second week of April to early parts of May.  Our birthdays are two weeks apart (He’s on second week of April and I am first week May), and we have decided to do major travels on those time in celebration of our special days.  But this year’s trip has to be cancelled about a month ago (as our lives has to be detoured and needed the timeout to accomplish something else), and just chose to go local this time instead.  So we decided to explore NorthShore’s areas of Gloucester and Rockport. 

The day started fine. With so much rain in the last couple of weeks, to finally see the sun as we woke up is a good start.  After packing, and bringing the girls to the dog sitter we headed to our destination. Two and a half hours later, we were at Rockport.  Both of us were hungry so we grabbed a quick lunch then started walking the streets after.  Rockport is a charming place; hence I took my camera out and started taking photographs as we wander around. The first that captured my eyesight and took time to appreciate is Motif Number 1 in Bradley Wharf. This is the most painted place in America.  Artists draw inspirations from this picturesque setting.  And just like others, I decided to set my tripod and captured some images. After a number of shots, the unimaginable happened! The tripod fell off and broke my filter and an expensive camera lens. Shocked and disappointed with the accident, my partner and I decided to go back to the car so I could change lenses. While walking, he was the greatest pacifier I ever needed. I couldn’t be happier. We continued walking and strolling the place then decided to proceed to our hotel in Gloucester, rest for a bit and watched the sunset across the street. It was beautiful. A great panorama to end his Birthday despite of.

That night, I started contemplating on things (or not things) I should be grateful for. Sometimes in my (or our) egocentric attitude I (we) tend to forget what really matters most.  I was very thankful that I have a partner that I have been celebrating birthdays with in the last 14 years. My emotions (towards earlier incident that caused a broken camera lens and filter) almost ruin our short birthday getaway, and yet he has the most understanding attitude towards it. He kept and continuously keeping my feet on the ground and checks me all the time. He is a wonderful partner, friend and husband and I am a one lucky man! 

Motif No.1 at Bradley Wharf, Rockport, Massachusetts 04.16.2019

SILVER LINING

The past few days that I have been taking photos of both sunrise and sunsets the sky was mostly covered with grey clouds. I can’t help but wonder if these clouds are reflections of my current state of mind- as if the sky can read me. Clouds humanize feelings.  I’m sure some great cotton candy-like clouds signify happy and beautiful moods. On the other hand, grey and dark clouds can be likened to loneliness and sadness or even anxiousness.

The past three weeks my partner and I have decided to embark on another journey. We have planned and sorted things out and finally came to a decision that we will be moving to the sunshine state. There were lots of reasons we have considered and why we were doing this and ultimately, we both agreed that finding a place that is warmer than the Cape is more beneficial to us. I wish that the Cape’s temperature stays on the 70’s year-round so we don’t have to leave.

“The only constant in life is change.” I have heard and read this quote perhaps a thousand times; and my life has been subjected to many changes as far as I can remember.  And to many, including myself, change is something that I am having a hard time dealing with. It brings me anxiety and when the fear of the unknown sets in, I grapple. I tend to be comfortable sometimes to the things I get so used to, and in this case- my jobs and my photography.  I have the convenience of less than a mile drive to work, and Cape Cod is pretty much a small area that you can drive to the beach within 5 minutes to capture a magnificent composition. Taking these luxuries away from me caused me an initial shock and disequilibrium.  Then the rationalization comes in and I internalize the situation briefly. Afterwards, I start feeling better and embrace the change with a better perspective and a good insight and focus and understand why changes need to happen to move forward.  I thank that my partner is always there to help me see the good through the obstacles. 

 The grey clouds in the sky are no different from how I feel in the last few days. When I have the first glimpse of them as I arrived at my selected location whether capturing a sunrise or sunset, I feel disappointed as it can hinder a perfect moment. But I stay despite of and study the entire perspective. And then I begin to see the silver lining, and become hopeful that it makes my composition better. 

 Happy Spring!  

Sunset at Grey’s Beach, South Yarmouth, MA 03.19.2019

LOVE PERSEVERES

I was having a second thought whether I should write something about Valentine’s day. I didn’t really want to sound like a cliché as February 14 is approaching and be part of the mainstream celebration.  Then I realized why not- after all, in my 43 years of existence, I have witnessed so many people fall in love in many forms.

Love Perseveres. My parents had been married 48 years when my Mom passed away. Their love endured. My father was a good provider, but with five children, it wasn’t enough. My mom supplemented through a lot of side jobs what my Dad fell short with. We are not a perfect family- we were faced with many challenges, and as a young kid, I have seen my parents many times lost their patience to a lot of things. They fought, but in the end, they remained each other’s strengths.  Their love persevered. 

Love is kind. In the last few months before my best friend succumbed to ovarian cancer, her husband has been by her side all the time tending to even the smallest request she would ask him- “get me some water... cook me some food… scratch my back..etc.” My best friend was very independent, and would never capitalize from her disease but I saw how her personality changed from the chemo drugs she took. Yet, her husband never complained about all these nuisances she caused him. For him all these favors she asked were nothing compared to how she braved her disease. In the end she was defeated by her illness but their relationship left us a proof of how their love was patient and kind. 

 Love is Love.  Then comes my own love story. Unlike my parents’ and my bestfriend’s love stories, mine weathered a different storm but nothing compared to the two I described previously.  My partner and I met each other online in 2005. We kept a long-distance relationship until I moved in the US in 2007. When work brought me to Connecticut, it continued to a semi-long-distance relationship.  I worked four days a week and commuted back to Massachusetts after my shift and spent a three-day weekend with him. This ran for almost 7 years. Distance was not only our challenge.  Though we have expressed genuine love for each other, back then our kind of love could not marry because of the then Defense of Marriage Act/DOMA which prohibits gay marriage.  When this law was repealed in 2013, we tied the knot- our families and friends were our witnesses as we celebrate this momentous event.

Each person I know- whether family, friends, colleagues and patients- I always ask them about their respective relationships and how they maintain a lasting one. The one response that stuck with me and tries to apply on my own is to love unconditionally. On our wedding day and perhaps yours too, one of the passages read to us was that from Corinthians 13:4-8. My partner and I are now almost six years married, and we always try to live everyday with the message from the passage:

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Happy Day of the Hearts!

Sunrise at Daytona Beach, FL

RETRACING MY FOOTSTEPS

January is synonymous to beginnings. Aside from the fact that it is the first month of the year, to many it is also a new start. And for some like me, January is also a great time to look back from where and how I started and reflect on what I have become. 

Christmas 2018 (and New Year) carried forward some good things to me as  2019 started. One of such was being virtually reunited with my highschool classmates and friends (through Facebook). Our high school batch’s 25th Year/Silver anniversary paved way to meeting my classmates again whom I lost contacts with since graduating high school. Though, I kept in touch with few, it is only this year that I actually reconnected to almost all of them. It feels good to keep updates about each others’ lives and recollect high school’s most memorable antics. 

I tend to believe that I had the best childhood. And last night, out of the blue I received an invitation from someone who created a Facebook group chat  with the group name (CMC One Big Fight) I am very familiar with growing up. One of my childhood friends made it. Since he has limited contact to all of us, the initial group of four immediately became the complete fourteen people as everyone added others whom they have contact to. I can’t believe that fourteen friends who grew up together in a small residential compound and separated because of life’s constant changes are now virtually connected again. This reconnection’s  timing was perfect! Winter blues kick in occasionally and with the group’s active conversations and sharing of photos from when we were growing up (kudos to Zaldy who was able to preserve these photos) certainly ease the homesickness.

Two weeks ago I decided to make a weekend trip to New York City mainly to capture Brooklyn’s Landscape. As I was on the train, it passed through Bridgeport, CT and I started feeling nostalgic about what and where was I more than a decade ago.  Bridgeport will always be special to me. This is where my career as a nurse all started- where I learned so much about caring and compassion and realistic approach to life’s situation. This is also where I met some great people and my truest friends whom I proudly can say for keeps. The nostalgia brought me to contact and create a group chat with my old colleagues whom I lived (and worked) with in one building we called Annex. The chat lasted only briefly as almost all of us are living in different time zones. For that brief period of time though, it made me feel as if we were in the common living room of the Annex building again.

And I was finally back in New York City for this time being. Not that I have not visited NYC since I left, but this time I felt this is something special than my previous revisits. A year ago I started taking photography seriously, and having New York City as one of the places I first live at when I moved in the US, I thought I ought to capture its own beauty. My goal is to capture the sunrise in Brooklyn Bridge. As I rode the subway going there, I also passed through familiar places I once enjoyed while living in this unique city. From Grand Central Station to Wall Street and to finally to Brooklyn Bridge- which I walked perhaps hundreds of times. I got at the bridge just in time when the sun was just beginning to light up the city that never sleeps. I spent a good hour to witness the magnificent reflections of the sun rays to New York’s towering skyscrapers, uttered some gratitude to this life I currently have which not many people experience. I am indeed thankful to this short trip as I retraced my footsteps. 

Sunrise at Brooklyn Bridge, NY 01.11.2019