ON NEW YEAR… REFLECTIONS OF THE PAST AND NEW HOPES FOR THE COMING YEAR

Every turn of the calendar year most of us reflect on how the previous year was good to us and we also look forward to a new year hoping that the current year will bring better things ahead.  Myself included, had fallen for these routines every year.  I usually become motivated to start a better version of myself than the previous year. 

2018 has been a meaningful year for me.  There were lots of experiences that became my turning points to see life differently. My re-discovering of photography for instance- though I started re-familiarizing myself with my camera again earlier in 2018, it only become profound when my best friend died. Photography, as I described in my previous blog, has become my strength to deal with loneliness.  But mostly, it also helped me appreciate nature more than I did before. The sea, the sun and the wildlife when photographed- brought me a different level of inner joy.

There were also lots of traveling both local and international my husband and I did in 2018. The trip to Europe were the most memorable for the year. For one, I was able to finally visit my sister who lives in Amsterdam, and my niece in Paris.  This complete my five-year goal to see all my siblings in places they chose to settle (My eldest sister lives in Kuala Lumpur and visited her in 2014; my 2nd older sister lives in Dublin and visited her in 2017, my brother lives in Manila so I see him whenever I am back home). A brief trip to the Netherlands, Brussels, and Paris broadened my horizon of the European culture and appreciate western civilization. Thanks to my husband who is also my travel buddy, for showcasing this beautiful experience in our amazing journey.

In 2018 also marked our 5thwedding anniversary.  Yes, it is only five (but been together longer), but to us it was a milestone. This was celebrated with a trip to Niagara Falls. The Hornblower ride towards the falls was the highlight, and it was both our firsts. 

2018 was a career game changer as well. I have been trying to stay away from the stressful life of being an acute hospital nurse and a minor change began in 2017 when I started working for the visiting nurse.  Mid 2018, I finally decided to be a Wellness Nurse- taking care of patients with Alzhemer’s and dementia.  It’s different from what I used to do, but with minimal to no stress at all. Will it be the last change? I don’t know, at this point I find meaning to what I do. Balance is the key as everyone says. 

And here comes 2019.  It is only the first day and it still a long way to go- the things I hope to do are unlimited at this point, still laying down the plans.  Though I am always thankful for the blessings I received and I always hope for good health for myself, my partner and our families, my daily prayer includes: to overcome life’s challenges and share the blessings to those in need.  It sounded so generic but those are my simple prayers. One of my great bosses shared this special poem by Dr. Howard Thurman one Christmas day, which I reflect upon when the year ends and a new one comes…

  When the song of the angels is stilled,

When the star in the sky is gone,

When the kings and princes are home,

When the shepherds are back with the flock, 

The work of Christmas begins:

To find the lost,

To heal the broken,

To feed the hungry,

To release the prisoner,

To rebuild the nations,

To bring peace among brothers,

To make music in the heart. 

Last sunrise of 2018 taken at Veteran’s Park in Hyannisport, MA 12.31.2018

ON CROSSROADS AND UNCERTAINTIES

Last October I started taking care of a couple who’s been married for sixty five years.  They recently moved in a memory care unit- the wife has a significant case of dementia, and the husband was there to be with the wife- he didn’t have any memory problem and could have been more appropriate to be in an assisted living, but chose to be with the wife instead. He however has Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia and just signed up for hospice care.  Once again, for the purpose of confidentiality, she will be referred to J and he F.  

Their families are very involved with their care.  They are closely knit and always visit J and F- one child after another or sometimes the entire clan are around. Like their mom and dad, they were also nice and friendly. In the brief time I took care of this couple, I learned about their love story- on how they met each other until the time they got married have kids, and now being confined to a home that they didn’t dream to be at.  Both from the stories J would tell me (on her lucid moments) and from the conversations F and I would sometimes engaged with,  it is but fascinating to know a love story tested by time and trials like theirs.  

I am always curious about how such strong relationship handles life’s challenges; so in one of my conversations with F, I asked him how he handles their current situation. F said that nothing is sure in life- you just have to gamble and keep moving wherever the road takes you. F also said that there’s going to be bumps on the path you take, and there may be some times you will think you may not be able to get out of them; but just keep on moving.  As he continued talking, he expressed that he is more scared of leaving J (than him dying) as he doesn’t know how she would cope up as they were never been separated before. Neither him nor J doesn’t know how to live with the other’s absence. I just listened to him talking. 

Three weeks ago J and F’s family gathered together inside their room.  When I came to check both of them, the youngest daughter told me that F is not doing well.  I was away for a week and had just returned to my regular schedule so I didn’t know what happened from the time I last work until then.  Apparently, F’s condition has gotten worse- the past few days he stopped eating and refused to take medications anymore. I went inside his room and tried patting his shoulder and hold his hand briefly just to non-verbally tell him that everything’s gonna be OK. Then he uttered, “Thank you, Jun.” That night F passed away. 

That same week was my first attempt at night/astro-photography.  On my way home from work to get my gadgets and waited for my photography instructor that night- I looked up and saw a hazy and cloudy sky.  A little apprehensive and also too late to cancel the gig, I just decided to go for it.  As we drove to Truro, I have anticipated that the shoot will not going to be as good as I had hoped for.  Then out of the blue, I was reminded of my conversation with F. “Nothing is sure in life.. you just have to keep moving wherever the road will take you.”  True enough, what I expected to be cloudless sky, didn’t happen.  The odds were against me.  But my photography instructor was very kind and turned the night a great learning experience.  Though we didn’t have the milky way, the clouds paved way to have dramatic sky composition post processing. And to be honest, I liked the way the photos turned out.  

This is true as well in reference with my career.  After being a nurse for more than a decade, I feel I am in a crossroad- not knowing which way to go.  I have the strong feeling of leaving this noble profession and start a new one but on the other hand I know my patients need me.  On days that I feel frustrated (of the bureaucracy and not my patients) while working, are also days that I face challenging patients’ cases which fulfill me at the end of the day.  F was right about having bumps on the road and to just keep on moving. At this point, I am still unsure if I will totally leave the profession as this is where I draw my day-to-day inspiration. As far as I know I keep on moving and I know there’s always a great surprise for me at my unknown destination like that night I first tried astro-photography. 

Truro Highland Lighthouse at night in Truro, MA 11.07.2018 shot at 2AM.

JUST LIKE THE SUNRISE AND THE SUNSETS...

My first introduction with Lou Gehrig's disease was when I took up my Master's Degree in Educational Psychology in the university. One of the books that my late Professor assigned in our reading requirements was "Tuesdays with Morrie."  The book is about Morrie, a university professor who after being diagnosed with Amyotropic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS- or the more popular name Lou Gehrig's Disease), started writing down his thoughts and philosophies about love, relationships, living and even dying. He was featured in a TV show Dateline, one of his former students, Mitch coincidentally happened to watch the show.  

Mitch looked up to his professor as his mentor during his university days. He reconnected with Morrie and took time off from his busy work for them to meet up together on Tuesdays, thus the book called Tuesdays with Morrie. Together they discussed Morrie’s written philosophies- about love, relationships, life and death. 

It has been two decades since I first read the book; I didn’t end up finishing my masters as I shifted my career to nursing which I can say, is as fulfilling as teaching is. I never really met someone with ALS until early this year while working as a visiting nurse. For the purpose of confidentiality, I will call this patient with the initials MC. MC has been diagnosed with ALS, and because there are no detailed history of her physical records on her electronic chart, I don’t exactly know the extent she has been ill. Although it is evident that she has been suffering from it for a while.  In fact, she already lost the ability to swallow when I first met her and I know from what I read about the disease, that MC doesn’t have so much time to live. 

MC became my regular assignment in almost of my daily routine.  When I visit her in the evenings to administer her food through tube feed, I always find her sitting by the window in her dining room.  As I take care of MC, I thought about the book- and somehow, directly or indirectly, I found myself starting to replicate how Morrie and Mitch's relationship.  MC and I started sharing and talking about life's lessons, stories about each other's experiences, feelings, and life in general.  I learned a lot from her as he lead an adventurous life as unmarried woman, and how most of her life was spent with her sister until her close sibling passed away. She had surfed the oceans of Hawaii and California, did SCUBA and sky diving, traveled a lot of places and noted that England was her favorite place to visit.  MC eventually settled here at the Cape, less than a mile from Gray's Beach, where she's a native of.  “You always go back home,” she told me with a smile. 

Our bond became deeper as the days went by. In each of my visits,  our conversations  have gradually moved from being casual to meaningful ones. One day, when we were engaged in a no-holds-barred discussion,  I asked her how she deals with the fact that tomorrow may not come for her. MC just looked at me quietly- and just when I thought I had offended her, she responded, “Jun… life is just like the sunrise and the sunsets; it's different everyday, but it comes in the morning… then by the end of the day, it goes away, and comes back again. That's how I see my self with this condition.”

MC continued on to liken her life to those natural events.  She further explained the main reason why she enjoyed watching sunrise and sunsets by the beach when she was still able to. Now that she is home bound, she spends her time by her window where she could still enjoy watching both sunrise and sunsets. I remained speechless;  I was admiring her in complete silence.  Although MC's level of disposition and personal outlook  in life is not new to me, it makes more sense now that I hear it from someone I personally know who battles to stay alive everyday. And just like the book I was introduced to from twenty years ago, MC is another person that for sure makes an impact in how I view life. 

As I write this blog, I am no longer the nurse that takes care of MC as she is no longer with the VNA service.  I hope and pray the best for her.  I tried to think as to when I started taking photos of both sunrise and sunsets; and in my recollection,  I started taking them as early as January but it wasn’t as enjoyable and significant as it is now that I have a different perspective on why I am taking them. The lessons I learned from the book from 20 years ago and my brief daily encounter with MC became the catalysts for me to appreciate more about my existence and how I should make it more meaningful. Life is beautiful. 

Please visit https://www.junbaniquedimages.com/collections-of-sunrise-and-sunsets/ to see some of my favorite sunrise and sunsets taken during this year's summer in the best places here at the Cape. Few of them were taken at Gray's Beach, which is a favorite place of MC, which she told me to pay a visit sometime back in spring. 

BEHIND THE INSPIRATION

Perhaps you may be wondering why my first blog is just an ordinary picture. Why not a photo of a beautiful landscape? a unique shot of something? or anything that is just impressive.  So many whys.. but here is why. 

This is a photo of me and Michelle; my bestfriend of 23 years.  I lost her from Ovarian Cancer which she battled for four years.  I lost her recently, exactly a month ago (we laid her to rest) as I published this first ever blog I created- and she was my inspiration.  She was and still is, in so many things- including photography.  

I have never taken photography seriously a great deal since high school (Photography was my elective in junior high). Yes, I owned cameras in the past- mostly the isometric ones when I was growing up. The ones you put films in them and develop in a photo lab later, hoping you captured great pictures. When digital cameras came into play in early 2000's the first person to own one that I knew was Michelle. She had the Sony digital camera; and we both loved how easy to take images with it without being worried of how much films we wasted. Then I got mine.  From then on, we took many pictures together of almost everything.  Photos of our loved ones and places we go together.  

I would like to think that I take good images, but I never considered to take it seriously. Photography has been placed in the back burner- as my life like many of you, is also busy juggling between work and domestic chores. In other words- I have no time. But not until recently, I found the passion again.  Having to go through with a lot of personal experiences and challenges in my life (my Mom and our cat Hank passing and two friends diagnosed with terminal disease one of whom was Michelle) in the last few years changed my overall life's perspective. It also bring the old time passion which I always like to do but never had the time- Photography. It has become my catharsis. My scapegoat to forget the sad experiences and at the same time heal my broken heart from the pain of losing my love ones.  In one of the birthday wishes Michelle gave me, she wrote me that she is encapsulating all our good memories in our hearts so that we will always have something we could turn to when we need respite from the outside world. That is exactly what photography does for me.  It has become my respite. 

I also feel I am more inspired now because I have a purpose- to capture the beauty of everything, that later I can rekindle even without being in the physical presence of the images- whether it's a person, a place or a thing. Just like this photo in this first blog.  In a typical photography critique class, this photo is an over exposed shot. But to every picture it has its story. This by far, is one of my favorite photos that was taken of me and Michelle- our very first trip to Miami, Florida in 2012. There were lots of fond memories it entailed in how exactly we ended there. But what I like most with this photo  is the way it captured both our smile while looking at another camera (and not really the one that took the shot). The face of happiness is as genuine as our friendship. Truly an inspiration. 

Michelle and I. First trip to Miami. February 2012.